ALEX *

twinnn - this is just for you. and for you reading everything and being there for me. you never get tired of hearing all my issues, and you're always willing to help me, and fill me in with any new info haha. i remember when i first went to your houseee and our whole windex insider (: those were the dayss. we really need to hang out more often, since i barely see you in school :( you're like my little mini-me, and i love you veryyyy much ! never forget thattt

they could get it.

im gonna stop seeing guys until i find one to sing to me. (:

beautiful <3

this is me

trying to look happy at school.

am i good? because im beginning to hate that place.

the uniforms are annoying. that h&m bag is killing my back. i don't like my math class. physics is hard. i have a feeling my pyschology teacher is going to find out what im thinking. i now walk alone to my classes because everyone is phony and lame -_-

fuck my lifeeeeeeeeeeeee. my husband is going to the heat game tonight :( he has court side seats. but do i have the channel showing the heat and wizzards game? NO

i miss him.

Stranger

Throwback.

This is the jam you sing when your suspecting that your man is cheating.

If only I saw this about two weeks ago -

Lifeless.

yeah, thats a good word to explain how i feel. i still feel sick from all the medicine, and i'm always tired. i try to rest and get away from things, but that doesn't help. 4th time and counting - in my nap today i dreamt that alan and i were back again. but i saw him today with his girlfriend, and he seems happy... so i gotta let that go.

i just felt like i was walking the halls today, but it wasn't me. i feel so empty inside. like i'm beginning to hate being in that school and there's no even main reason. i'm just sick of everything. and i know i have people that care about me, but i just feel so alone. like there's no one there for me. and i don't even know if i want anyone there. it's complicated. i want to be alone, but at the same time i dont? it just feels like no one really understands where i'm coming from, and no one cares to understand because it's always the same shit with me. it's honestly never ending. i don't know what to feel anymore. my own mom doesn't even take seriously what i say about my health because there's always something new with me. and that doesn't make me feel any better. there's just an empty void in me, and i don't know when that'll be filled. i miss kris so much, but if my dad is moving because of the divorce, there goes me seeing him all the time while i'm in miami. i need an escape...

7 months without ya, RIP Sydnie Yoshie.

thinking of you.

i know i'm always complaining about being alone and crap. but honestly i don't want anyone here, i just want company. but i''ll be content being by myself. because kris has my heart. and he isn't close by right now... but that just puts our love to test even more. this is for you babe.

"how I wish I was looking into your eyes..."

3rd time and counting

that i've dreamt about alan and i being back together.

these meds are making me go crazy.

everytime i try to fly i fall

without my wings, i feel so small

i guess i need you baby.

and everytime i see you in my dreams

i see your face, you're haunting me

i guess i need you baby.

school tomorrow. after a week -

lets see how this goes.

long distance

sucks.

[verse 1]

When can my heart beat again

When does the pain ever end

When do the tears stop from running over

When does "you'll get over it" begin

I hear what youre sayin

But I swear that its not making sense

So when can I see you?

[chorus]

When can I see you again

When can my heart beat again

When can I see you again

And when can I breathe once again

And when can I see you again

[verse 2]

When does my someday begin

When Ill find someone again

And what if I still am not truly over

What am I supposed to do then

Please hear what Im sayin

Even if, if its not making sense

So when can I see you

[hook]

Please hear what Im sayin

Even if, if its not making sense

So when can I see you

i feel

Trapped. I've been sick in my room like this since tuesday. Haven't left my house to go anywhere but the doctors and hospital since sunday. And the people I need the most to be here, aren't. Like people barely check up on me to see how I'm doing, and my own mom thinks that everytime I tell her I wanna throw up or something, I'm overreacting. I don't even know if I wanna lock myself in my room away from the world or not. Just feeling really helpless... Everyone tells me not to worry because I'll get better. But I wanna know when. When is this gonna be over with. I'm always sick with something and I'm tired of it already. I miss having someone to call on and they'd be here willing to do whatever to make me happy. But now there's no one. Out of all the damn people I know, no one.

close call

Went to the er last night. Had blood work and stuff done. I was dehydrated but my kidney is fine. Some type of viral infection. I still have nasuea but I'm forcing myself to eat more. Thank God.

i am scared shitless

Its 1:30 in the morning and my eyes are still watery from crying.
The whole allergic reaction shit hasn't gone away.
But some of my symptoms are symptoms of kidney failure.



Wouldn't be a big issue to some.
But I only have one kidney.
And if your one kidney fails.

Your dead.

I know

that the song is on my playlist. but the video is cutee. just the way they look at eachother and smile. i miss that look.

Halo - Beyonce

Feels like I've been awakened

Every rule I had you breakin'

The risk that I'm takin'

I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now

I'm surrounded by your embrace

Baby I can see your halo

You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more

It's written all over your face

Baby I can feel your halo

Pray it won't fade away

only in new york.

if people in florida did that, it wouldn't be that big of a deal.

buttttt, we don't have subways -_-

we're so used to seeing tourists with speedos up their asses, so it's nothing new. smhh

LMFAO.

i said the same shit about thanking the guys who threw the shoes at bush. (:

i mean i don't think Obama would approve of it either. but reality is, most people agree with jeezy and hov. i don't blame em.

My President is Black Remix - Jay-Z

"No more white lies, my President is blackkkk"

I miss you love.

EXCLUSIVE

intro to my book. thought i was kidding? this one's for kris.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

“Stop doing this to yourself!” I yelled that out loud to myself so many times that I lost count. Just when I thought I was fine, I fell back to square one. Why is this one so different? I’ve loved and lost countless times in the past, and seemed to move on just fine. Why was it that after two years, that burning passion that I had for him is still here? I felt like I was going crazy.
Looking for something to keep my eyes from watering, Lord knows that was the last thing I needed; I picked up my iPod and put it on shuffle. Yet just like every other time I did so, a song that reminded me of him came up. I just sat there looking into the blank space, hoping for some kind of sign. I just couldn’t understand this. So many questions were in my head, I couldn’t even think straight. Did I want a sign to tell me to get over it, or to go chase the one thing I want the most? I mean why would fate have me meet the most complicated, yet amazing person I’ve ever met, if I can’t be with him? The worst part is that it’s something neither of us have control over. We can’t change the fact that there were so many miles in between us, and we barely see each other. Yet when we did, the little moments we shared were completely unforgettable. I started to replay every moment I ever spent with him in my mind. Every stare into my eyes and every touch from his hands, sent chills throughout my body.
I softly sang the last words to the song “I miss you love” and put my iPod down. Something that I’ve been holding in for so long was about to come up. Something I’ve tried to protect myself from happening because I was too scared of the consequences. Something that I knew for a fact he ran over in his head, but was just as scared as I am to admit.
We might have just fallen in love...

-Desiree Tizon

never would've thought

i would miss Cromwell Towers on Locust Hill in Yonkers, New York.

its 30 degrees in florida -_-

take me back to new york. i'd rather be cold over there.

interesting.

"Flying dreams fall under a category of dreams known as lucid dreaming. Lucid dreams occur when you become aware that you are dreaming. Many dreamers describe the ability to fly in their dreams as an exhilarating, joyful, and liberating experience.If you are flying with ease and enjoying the scene and landscape below, then it suggests that you are on top of a situation. You have risen above something. It may also mean that you have gained a different perspective on things. Flying dreams and the ability to control your flight is representative of your own personal sense of power"



Nothing is getting better. Still not in school and throwing up has been added to the list. And now my grandmas the one in the hospital. "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired". I'm gonna try to eat then go back to bed. Fevers coming back..

bad things happen

To good people. Or atleast that's what robbie sayss.
Hence the reason why something is always wrong with me.

So last night I couldn't sleep. Had a fever out of nowhere, felt dizzy, and felt like I wanted to throw up. Then my dog pees on my carpet at 3 in the morning -_- so then I wake up at 6 to get ready. I used the curling iron on my hair which took foreverrr, burned my neck with it, and it made my hair smell like it got fried; smh. So then I walk to the bus stop, and its pretty chilly outside. I felt my ears tingling and my legs felt itchy. Then a girl points out that it looks like I'm breaking out on my face. A minute later, my face is covered in like hives, like if I had an allergic reaction. So I turn around and started walking home. I was panicking so badly. I took off my jeans, and my legs were covered in hives. It felt like my face was burning.

So my mom and I rush to the ER because since I have one kidney, any little thing needs to be taken seriously. But when I got indoors, the hives went down. So while were wating I went outside for some air, and my face blew up again. Finally I see the doctor and he tells me it was probably an allergic reaction to some meds I was using to "cleanse my body" because of the whole kidney thing. But at the same time it didn't look like a normal allergic reaction. Then my glands are swollen which probably means I have a viral infection which was causing the fever and nausea. Or it could be just a reaction to stress levels or some crap, and the cold triggers it to come back up.

So I discontinued the meds I was taking and I'm now taking anti biotics, meds for the allergic reation, and tylenol for the fever. Jesussss



One good thing about today - OBAMA ! Idk if I should be happier that george bush is out, or that obamas in. Let's turn this "yes we can" to "yes we did"

better.

slowly but surely, i'll be fine.
went paintballing yesterday. got a mark left on my face :(
tomorrow - back to school. new classes since my school is weirdd. algebra 2, psychology, chorus, physics honors. i'll probably still be writing for the school newspaper though.
song for the weekend - T-Shirt Shontelle.

"nothing feels right when im not with you"

"fuck all ya hoessssssssss"

ehh -

im still sad. i know i shouldn't be. i've heard everything in the book. "you don't need someone to make you happy" "nothing lasts forever" "you're too good for that" -

I DON'T CAREEEEE

sorry. but it's getting to me. then last night i had a dream about alan and i getting back smh. im somewhat in denial. like if this is just a little break, and things will go back. everything i do makes me think of shit and its horrible. i can't even sleep at night anymore. all i do is replay shit in my mind. i think its more of me missing having someone there. like im just a naturally loving person lol. since my two week relationship was cut short, it made me fall back to thinking about alan on top of it all.

i know that it was my choice when it came to alan. and i bet a couple of you are like 'omgg she's putting her shit out there like that?!' yeah i am. people don't give a shit about how they treat me so i don't give a shit about anything. anyways, there was no embed for this video, but it explains perfectly the situation towards him. even the way i act at home. i toss and turn in my sheets, have a loss of apetite.. my moms always like "are you okayy. you sure?" and im just like -_- whatever. i hope she makes you happy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lzlitXYVfk

smh its the 17th. would've been a year and 3 months.

i need a job....

i'll never forget

when edwin and i had this one convo. damn i miss that kid - edwin if you read this, i'm still your lil sis* anyways my icon said "im worth millions". and this was a whileeeeee back. i was having some boy issues. and he told me:

"dezi look at your icon. you're worth more than millions. and if the person your with doesn't make you feel that way, then he's not the right one"


word.

reality

hits you hard.
i woke up today to get my phone and tell him goodmorning. but then i realized that once again, i'm alone.
i beg to differ that all guys are the same.

so disappointed

in myself. for letting things get to this point. i expected so much out of this relationship, and got so little in return. its not my fault that he wasn't ready for us, but it is my fault for getting too attached. i just don't understand the point of getting into a relationship - and to end it because you're not ready? and it gets me so upset that people let their past get in the way of their future. he had something so good, i dont think he realizes how good. i could've made him so happy... but im not anymore. because i "overreact" about things and because i was being "childish". im sorry, but i wont lower my standards and just have the label of his "girl" and just wait around for him to have time for me. i understand people have their own lives, and they have things to take care of, but he knew that as well and he still got into this. the night before we made it official, i asked him "do you really think you're ready for a commitment". and look at us now... earlier today i was out getting lunch with him, playing guitar hero, laying on his bed and looking in his eyes. and out of nowhere its all over. done. like its not registering in my brain. i'm just honestly sick and tired of being willing to put my all into something, and getting nothing in return. he was my hope, and now that hope is gone...

I'M SO SICK

of the BULLSHIT !
if you're not gonna take me serious don't get involved. stop wasting my time.
i'm tired of getting my hopes all high for no fucking reason.

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone.

make you feel my love.

my new favorite song. adele is just amazing. i think i'll use this for the musical audition -

When the rain is blowing in your face

And the whole world is on your case

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling down the avenue

No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling seas

And on the highway of the regret

The winds of change are throwing wild and free

You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy

Make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends

Of the Earth for you

To make you feel my love

better. & 2008 MUSIC REVIEW

despite me still being blind because i have no contacts, and the disgusting florida weather, today was a better day. since my school is 4X4 block scheduling, we have 4 classes for the first two semesters, and then switch to another 4 classes after. so today was the last day of having these classes. im gladddd history is done with ! but i have to admit i had fun in that class. im saddd i have to leave second period. i was president of my english class there. and today we did superlatives. i won best dressed, best looking, most likely to become famous, most outgoing, and queen of the class lol. that class made my day, each day since school started. i'll still have choruss. im also leaving journalism, but i'll still write for the newspaper most likely. here's my last music wrap up for the issue coming out monday:

Daring sounds and unique beats
Is how music in 2008 will be remembered in the streets.
It was a great year for many, not so much for a few
So to honor it all, let’s take some time to review.
Brittney Spears made a comeback with Give Me More
After a long time of paparazzi picking on her hair, and even on what she wore.
Katy Perry made a shocking entrance when she Kissed a Girl
And was surprised to find out listeners were singing it all around the world.
Lupe Fiasco made everyone feel like a Superstar
While Gym Class Heroes just couldn’t keep their hands out the Cookie Jar
Metro Station came out, and made us all want to Shake It
And everyone loved Miley Syrus, no matter how hard we tried to fake it.
Alicia Keys stayed on top of the charts with No One
Which puts a reason behind all of the Grammy’s that she won.
Paramore gained many new listeners with their song Decode
Because it was part of the Twilight Soundtrack, which was bound to explode.
Jeezy called the election with My President is Black An event that joined many artists, and a nation at that.
Taylor Swift made a hit with Our Song
And is known as a young girl, with a voice so strong.
Secondhand Serenade had us all singing Fall For You
But The Spill Canvas couldn’t help but be All Over You.
Rhianna made all of us Take a Bow
And you can see a bunch of girls with her hairstyle now.
Colby O’Donis said to stop talking about What You Got
While Shwayze brought out a new sound, which most considered to be hot.
Kanye West took drum beats and began to sing on it
While Jay-Z took Beyonce's finger and Put a Ring on it.
Many artists used auto-tune, not just T-Pain
And we all know that it was a great year for Lil Wayne.
2008 was definitely a time for artists to shine
So lets see who’ll be on top in 2009.

i feel accomplished (:

im excited for my new classes.

there are somethings

People can just never forget. Getting ready for bed, and listening to PS I'm still not over you. Damn you rhianna :(

"Wish I could press rewind
And re-write every line
To the story of me and you...

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried
To get you out my mind
But it don't get no better
As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothin to lose
Hope to hear from you soon
Ps, I'm still not over you"



sigh.

temptation

is a slick bitch. when things don't go your way in a certain area of your life, we can be so quick to just go back to the last time where we were happy. i don't know how many times lately i've stopped myself from texting or calling someone and just spilling my heart out on them -_- its just like you never really know if things should be fixed, or if you should just leave the pieces on the floor and move on. im trying to stick to my resolution "LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST". but honestly, that's pretty damn difficult. am i the only one this complicated? when your with someone who gives you the world, all you do is focus on the things they lack. then when your not with them, all you think about is the good and not the bad. i don't get it. i don't know whether to miss things or not too. but to act like nothing ever happened kills me even more.

it's just too much.

my head hurts.

this blackberry curve is going to be the death of me. if you have a usb cord i can use, pleasee let me know. i need to upgrade my software.

anyways - last night was interesting. mom left me alone in the house with my baby brother, while boyfriend came over, which is something that neverrrr happens. i wish he could've stayed longer though.. i wish the night didn't end the way it did, because it became hard for me to sleep.

today i might go to cindys house. i haven't seen her in the longesttt. i miss my wife :(

im extremely tired for some reason.

musiq soulchilds new album - onmyradio = amazing. favorite song so far : deserveumore

ozzy

can actually come to some smart conclusions.

"me and george bush can both like taking showers in big tubs of chocolate, but it doesnt mean we are made for each other...."

lmao, it's true though.



i feel so ugh........ helpless :(

i'll betcha

ginuwine is coming backk

[verse 1]

i'll hold you down

day and day out

i will be there

don't you worry girl

honey you're the realist

body is the illest

oooh i'd like to feel it

tell me what your missin

baby if you missin something like affection

walk in my direction

and imma lend a helping hand

im the man for you

darling, understand i got plans for you

more than just a one night stand with you

oh its true

you can be my boo

[chorus]

girl i know you've been hurt

one time too many

you say you need love

and i got plently

i bet if we spend a little time together

i can make it better

i'll betcha

i'll betcha, you aint never been hung like this

i'll betcha, you aint never been loved like this

i'll betcha, you aint never been kissed like this

you aint never been treated, eated, wanted like this

[verse 2]

tell me whats good tonight

oh you got some plans

i say you should skip em

and holla at your man

holla at your man

thats right give me a chance to let you feel my lovin

as much as you can stand

ya man ain't fly like me

he'll never make you smile, no not like me

he'll never drive you wild, not like me

so if you got some style you should roll with g

[chorus]

I’ll kiss it and make it better
just tell me what you’re scared of
what you scared of
I know it ain’t love
I think you scared of getting hurt
but don’t worry cuz
my love is enough
my love is your love
and if its not sinking in
let me say it again

1-5-09*

there's so much pressure.

from everyone everywhere. in all aspects. i'm not wonder woman people. i can't please everyone. pressure from my mom to prove to her that she's done a good job. right now she feels helpless. and she tells me that she can't wait to see me graduate and be in college, to have my whole life straight. it's just a huge load. i haven't been back for a week, and already everything is being thrown at me. and that whole 'i'm here for you whenever you need me' saying from your friends and family is bull. as much as i love the people in my life, they can't always be with you when you need them the most. i just saw my dad friday, and already i miss him terribly. i hate seeing how this house is being teared apart. i hate waking up to go to a school, thats filled with immature, cocky, idiots, then to come home and hate being here too. i don't get it ...

but things could be a lot worse. be appreciative desiree. be appreciative.......

niggahhhhhhhhhh

people seriously are imbeciles.

I agree with the whole 'nigger' offending people but 'nigga' being everday language. it's just dumb in my opinion. talk to others the way you'd like to be talked to. don't like people calling you it, don't call people it. simple as that.

i love the boondocks :)

so it seems that lately

my imagination gets the best of me. and high hopes just turn into failures. that whole "focus on what you want to happen, and it will" theory is bull. i'm tired of it.


maybe being hopeful isn't the best thing after all.

post vacation depression.

this video makes me sad. especially the beginning and middle "/

it's time to let go.

it might be the hardest thing to do,

but in the end, it'll be for the better.

promise to myself -

do anything by all means necessary to be happy.

wow.

no words for this one.

pure genius.

"Penny For Your Thoughts” - Gemineye

Can I offer you a penny for your thoughts?

As a matter of fact, how about three?

One penny for you, one penny for me,

And one penny for our minds engaged not so sexually.

Getting intimately closer as we approach the

Climatic altitude of nude, mental, sensational… conversation.
Because I’m trying to get to know everything about you

From the neck… UP.
So these are not your typical, sexual, poetical prose.

I’m trying to close the door on that all too firmiliar freaky foreplay game.

With which most people have chose to approach you.

While they're trying to get deeply inbedded

In the fine fibers of your bedsheets, I’m trying to find and define the fibers of which your mind speaks.

I want to engage you

I want to engage you by putting a two karat solitaire diamond ON YOUR MIND

And marrying your every thought!
I want to lick every inch of every crevasse

So I can get an oral fix from each oriface

And taste your passionate IMAGINATION.
I’d rather be naked and exposed, holding you

As we’re lying and you’re crying

While confiding and describing the tough times you’ve had in life

And how you don’t know

If you can keep a relationshop long enough to be somebody’s wife.
I wanna feel the heartbeat of all your inner rhythms

As they lead me toward your warm, wet, waterfalls of feminine thoughts.…

And I’ll swim within them.

From backstroaks, to breaststrokes,I’m penetrating every entrance… to your mind.

Taking my time to find out everything about you.
Did I ever tell you about how you

Fell asleep in my presence?

And your mere essance

Kept me awake for hours

As I cowered with this feeling

Of sexually unadulterated mental connection?
And as you lay by my side

I pushed the blinds aside

And took the time in the moonlight of that night

To count 72 eyelashes

On the upper eyelid of your right eye!

Because when you sleep

Your eyes remain open slightly.
And while we probably moves in too quickly into some sexual shit

I’ve always cared more about the expilicity illicitness

That came from between you lips.. meaning your voice.
So now I am standing here

Ready to trade in all the sexual acts that we’ve preformed

For the chance to reform the very foundation

And the basis of our relationship.
So I reiterate my opening statement

And I offer you another penny for your thoughts.

loving you is like a battle,

and we both end up in scars.

i love how she sings this.

shadow

i wrote this over a year ago, but i can somewhat relate to it now.

the happiness you have given me

is greater than the stars in the sky

the waves in the ocean

the breaths i take.

yet the shadow of his heartbroken love lurks about me

like a hawk stalking its prey.

it keeps reminding me that what i had, will no longer be

and that maybe it was my fault for not trying

maybe it was my fault for falling in love

maybe it was my fault that he didnt change

maybe...

images of what used to be cant seem to leave my mind

no matter how hard i try

my life feels complete now that im with you

yet knowing that because of this-another life is being left alone; cold.

his heart is silently crying out for me

when we pass eachother without saying one word.

bittersweet emotions run through my soul

delight from the feeling of completetion-graditiude.

sorrow from the feeling of abandoning a lost love.

do i completely forget my past and move on

or do i keep my thoughts to myself, and remember that my love for him was once so strong.